porsche986
10-23-2004, 12:31
Ok i found a website that "legally" sells you 1 acre of the moon, yes thats right all legally registered ect...
Now it costs around £25.00 for this and i was thinking... if nasa landed a probe or craft on your acre then its private property aint it?
heres a few jokes:
Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion
for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an
embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met
a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would
marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the
marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme
sacrifice and gave up beans.
Shortly after that they were married. A few months later, on his
birthday and on the way home from work, his car broke down.
Since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her
that he would be late because he had to walk home. On his way
home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked
beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk
he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home.
It was, after all, his birthday. So he went in and ordered, and
before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans.
All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he
felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed
somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most
wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a
blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the
table and made him promise not to peak. At this point he was
beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was
about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again
made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she
went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the
opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was
not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time
breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about
him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came
on. He raised his leg and RRIIPPP !!! It sounded like a diesel
engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he
tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would
dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon
winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a
minute later the flowers on the table were dead.
With his blindfold still on, when he heard the phone farewells
he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top
of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when
his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if
he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not
peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!"
To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated
around the table for his surprise birthday party.
heres another joke:
Women Drivers Mark as unread
I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver
cut right in front of a pickup truck causing him to have to
drive on to the shoulder to avoid hitting her.
This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm
out his window and flipped the woman off.
"Man, that guy is stupid!" I thought to myself.
I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a
female does anything to me in traffic and here's why:
I drive 48 miles each way every day to work, that's 96 miles
each day.
Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.
Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway so if you
just look at the 7 lanes I am not in, that means I pass
something like a new car every 40 feet per lane.
That's 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be
982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.
Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper to bumper, I
figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.
That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars I pass
every day.
Statistically, half of these are driven by females, that's
18,000.
In any given group of females 1 in 28 are having the worst day
of their period. That's 642.
According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as
dissatisfying or unrewarding. That's 449.
According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all
females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That's
98.
And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33.
According to the National Rifle Association 5% of all females
carry weapons and this number is increasing.
That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one
female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest
problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, is having
the worst day of her period, and is armed.
Flip one off?
.....I think not.
last one.
a women goes into a porsche showroom to look at some boxsters. She is waiting for a salesperson to arrive and he is taking ages so she decides to look around. She comes across a porsche 996 turbo and is scared to sit inside so she starts to feel the leather. When she bent down she broke wind which was loud so she quickly stood up to se who was around and to her horror there next to her was a saleman. He was grinning at her and very embarressed she said, em em em how much is this car sir? the salesman said... lady if you farted just feeling the leather you will shit yourself when you hear the price.
one more
A women desperately looking for work goes into Erwin. The
personal manager goes over her resume and explains to her that
he regrets he has nothing worthy of her. The woman answers that
she really needs work and will take almost anything. The
personal manager hums and haws and finally says he does have a
low skill job on the "Tickle Me Elmo" line and nothing else. The
woman happily excepts. He takes her down to the line and
explains her duties and that she should be in for 8:00 AM the
next day.
The next day at 8:45 there's a knock at the personal manager's
door. The "Tickle Me Elmo" line manager comes in and starts
ranting about the woman he just hired. After screaming for 15
minutes about how badly backed up the assembly line is the
personal manager suggested he show him the problem.
Together they head down to the line and sure enough Elmos are
backed up from here to kingdom come. Right at the end of the
line is the woman just hired, she has pulled over a roll of the
material used for the Elmos and has a big bag of marbles. They
both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric and takes 2
marbles and starts sewing them between Elmo's legs.
The personal managers starts to kill himself laughing and
finally after 20 minutes of rolling around he pulls himself
together and walks over to the new employee and says, "I'm
sorry. I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. What I wanted you
to do was give Elmo two test tickles."
Now it costs around £25.00 for this and i was thinking... if nasa landed a probe or craft on your acre then its private property aint it?
heres a few jokes:
Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion
for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an
embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met
a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would
marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the
marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme
sacrifice and gave up beans.
Shortly after that they were married. A few months later, on his
birthday and on the way home from work, his car broke down.
Since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her
that he would be late because he had to walk home. On his way
home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked
beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk
he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home.
It was, after all, his birthday. So he went in and ordered, and
before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans.
All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he
felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed
somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most
wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a
blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the
table and made him promise not to peak. At this point he was
beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was
about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again
made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she
went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the
opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was
not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time
breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about
him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came
on. He raised his leg and RRIIPPP !!! It sounded like a diesel
engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he
tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would
dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon
winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a
minute later the flowers on the table were dead.
With his blindfold still on, when he heard the phone farewells
he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top
of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when
his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if
he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not
peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!"
To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated
around the table for his surprise birthday party.
heres another joke:
Women Drivers Mark as unread
I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver
cut right in front of a pickup truck causing him to have to
drive on to the shoulder to avoid hitting her.
This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm
out his window and flipped the woman off.
"Man, that guy is stupid!" I thought to myself.
I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a
female does anything to me in traffic and here's why:
I drive 48 miles each way every day to work, that's 96 miles
each day.
Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.
Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway so if you
just look at the 7 lanes I am not in, that means I pass
something like a new car every 40 feet per lane.
That's 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be
982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.
Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper to bumper, I
figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.
That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars I pass
every day.
Statistically, half of these are driven by females, that's
18,000.
In any given group of females 1 in 28 are having the worst day
of their period. That's 642.
According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as
dissatisfying or unrewarding. That's 449.
According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all
females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That's
98.
And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33.
According to the National Rifle Association 5% of all females
carry weapons and this number is increasing.
That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one
female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest
problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, is having
the worst day of her period, and is armed.
Flip one off?
.....I think not.
last one.
a women goes into a porsche showroom to look at some boxsters. She is waiting for a salesperson to arrive and he is taking ages so she decides to look around. She comes across a porsche 996 turbo and is scared to sit inside so she starts to feel the leather. When she bent down she broke wind which was loud so she quickly stood up to se who was around and to her horror there next to her was a saleman. He was grinning at her and very embarressed she said, em em em how much is this car sir? the salesman said... lady if you farted just feeling the leather you will shit yourself when you hear the price.
one more
A women desperately looking for work goes into Erwin. The
personal manager goes over her resume and explains to her that
he regrets he has nothing worthy of her. The woman answers that
she really needs work and will take almost anything. The
personal manager hums and haws and finally says he does have a
low skill job on the "Tickle Me Elmo" line and nothing else. The
woman happily excepts. He takes her down to the line and
explains her duties and that she should be in for 8:00 AM the
next day.
The next day at 8:45 there's a knock at the personal manager's
door. The "Tickle Me Elmo" line manager comes in and starts
ranting about the woman he just hired. After screaming for 15
minutes about how badly backed up the assembly line is the
personal manager suggested he show him the problem.
Together they head down to the line and sure enough Elmos are
backed up from here to kingdom come. Right at the end of the
line is the woman just hired, she has pulled over a roll of the
material used for the Elmos and has a big bag of marbles. They
both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric and takes 2
marbles and starts sewing them between Elmo's legs.
The personal managers starts to kill himself laughing and
finally after 20 minutes of rolling around he pulls himself
together and walks over to the new employee and says, "I'm
sorry. I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. What I wanted you
to do was give Elmo two test tickles."