The lawyer's Carrera GT

[RandallNeighbour]

A lawyer buddy told me this joke today:

A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Carrera GT in front of
the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck
came along too close to the curb and completely tore off the driver's door.

Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and
pulled up behind the Porsche, his lights flashing. But, before the cop had a
chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically about
how his Porsche, which he had just picked up the day before, was now
completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how hard the body
shop tries to make it new again.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in
disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are,"
he said.

"You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important
things in life."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It
got ripped off when the truck hit you!!!"

"OH, MY GOD!" screamed the lawyer... "MY ROLEX!"

[djomlas]

hahahahaha
thats a great one

[jeffsquire]

A lawyer buddy told me this joke today:

. . . . .The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It
got ripped off when the truck hit you!!!"

"OH, MY GOD!" screamed the lawyer... "MY ROLEX!"
_____________________________
This is very good, Randall. I'll pass it on to my colleagues.

[jeffsquire]

As Mr. Smith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a plan that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him.

He called for the three men he trusted most - his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman. He told them, "I'm going to give you each $30,000 in cash before I die. At my funeral, I want you to place the money in my coffin so that I can try to take it with me."

All three agreed to do this and were given the money. At the funeral, each approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside.

While riding in the limousine back from the cemetery, the clergyman said, "I have to confess something to you fellows. Brother Smith was a good churchman all his life, and I know he would have wanted me to do this. The Church needed a new baptistery very badly, and I took $10,000 of the money he gave me and bought one. I only put $20,000 in the coffin."

The physician then said, "Well, since we're confiding in one another, I might as well tell you that I didn't put the full $30,000 in the coffin either. Smith had a disease that could have been diagnosed sooner if I had this very new machine, but the machine cost $20,000 and I couldn't afford it then. I used $20,000 of the money to buy the machine so that I might be able to save another patient. I know that Smith would have wanted me to do that."

The lawyer then said, "I'm ashamed of both of you. When I put my put my envelope into that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."

[djomlas]

thats a good one too, wow

[986Roadster]

lol funny one randall.

[NickCats]

A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second.
On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang. It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.
The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf.
He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital. He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting a personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10.
He was jubilant.... then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.
The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you?" "I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying
yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU!
It's just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last!"
"For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care, and you'll be her care giver!"
The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed
The doctor snickered and said, "Just fucking with you. She's dead. What'd you shoot?"

[Dr. Kill]

A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second.
On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang. It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.
The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf.
He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital. He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting a personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10.
He was jubilant.... then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.
The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you?" "I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying
yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU!
It's just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last!"
"For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care, and you'll be her care giver!"
The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed
The doctor snickered and said, "Just fucking with you. She's dead. What'd you shoot?"

LOL

I am typing other words here to satisfy the minimum character requirement for posting.

[CJ_Boxster]

haha these all good jokes

[denverpete]

I have never understood why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much...
FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. The passion starts to heat up, when she eventually said, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT ? What was that?!"

So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She then responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not for what I do in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep...

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a good lunch and then went shopping at a very big department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to complement her new clothes, so I said, "Let's get a pair for each outfit."

We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she then asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT?" I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman. " And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.

[CJ_Boxster]

LMAO nice! Did you really do that or is that a copy and paste joke from somewhere else?

[unklekraker]

That is nice, Denver, very nice! hahahahahahahaha! I think I'll try to remember doing that in case I get denied the night before..mwahahahaha! *evil laugh

[Franco]

I have never understood why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much...
FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. The passion starts to heat up, when she eventually said, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT ? What was that?!"

So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She then responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not for what I do in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep...

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a good lunch and then went shopping at a very big department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to complement her new clothes, so I said, "Let's get a pair for each outfit."

We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she then asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT?" I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman. " And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.

Hey you need the memory foam now :D

[djomlas]

OMG that was hilarious as hell

[bmussatti]

LMAO nice! Did you really do that or is that a copy and paste joke from somewhere else?


CJ, I think Denverpete got this one from Mr. Hefner! Right?

DP, time for another snow storm! 18 inches.

[denverpete]

CJ, I think Denverpete got this one from Mr. Hefner! Right?

DP, time for another snow storm! 18 inches.

It's freaking beautiful outside right now. Soft big flakes. So, I naturally skipped work. Hanging out reading Forum posts in the bar drinking beer and watching football.

On a side note, I've been closely watching the snow levels around my Box. Last week it was just a white mound. Dropped down to where I could see the top of the tires. Now it's completely covered again. Of course, we're supposed to get the "real" storm here tonight. Bummer, yet another night of drinking, friends, and poker at my neighborhood watering hole. We'll probably have 70 degree weather in about a week, all the snow will be gone, and I'll be back in the Porsche. Damn I love Colorado....

[lwc]

3-KICK RULE


A lawyer went duck hunting in rural Oklahoma. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I'm one of the best trial attorneys in Oklahoma and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in these parts of Oklahoma. We settle small disagreements like this with the Okie Three Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What's that?"

The farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The barrister was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old coot.
Now it's my turn."


The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."